Sex and the Launch Sequence!

As a Cape Canaveral, FL resident, I ask, “Can you imagine a shuttle launch without the sequence and the count down?  Wouldn't it be a dud?” This is on my mind for Valentine’s Day because great sex with a woman requires the same attention to detail.

My relationship with my husband began as a smoldering love affair.  We met in hotels after work and passionately inhaled each other.  I nervously undid his tie and wrinkled his pressed dress shirt by clutching his massive chest.  His huge fingers lovingly traced the curves of my body like a blind man until laser desire guided him to the classified areas of my body which were ready to become the next frontier. My attention slid down to torment his maleness until it begged to be released. I traced its shape with every sensor. We’d make our way to the bed, him with suit pants and belt around his cordovan wing tips and me moving him, like a puppet, using only the magical force field of passion.

Even though time stood absolutely still in these moments of animal pleasure, it was the hours of anticipation during the day that set us up for the powerful ignition. These included the knowing looks across a board room table; ignoring all thoughts except the “I can’t wait until tonight,” message scrolling across my mind like the LED in Time Square; the songs caressing me on the radio on the way to the hotel-- “Saving All My Love for You” and “Sexual Healing;” the overly loud, guilty clicks of my high heels across a marble hotel lobby as I pretended I was a business woman rushing to my room;  the glass of wine sipped knowingly in an aromatic bubble bath leaving my skin as sleek as a summer slip and slide; the practice positioning on the bed as I waited for the knock at the door: Was it better to squeeze my boobs together or open my legs slightly; the buildup was exquisite and contributed to the payoff of overwhelming lust and gratitude expressed in devouring kisses. Telepathically we whispered, “I’m finally home in you. This is where I want to spend eternity.”

Fast forward twenty years into the relationship that culminated in a successful marriage. The Shuttle Program has ended!  This Valentine’s Day I ask all women, “Is mine the only man who forgot about the launch sequence?”  Like the rocket and shuttle launches that have become so routine, do we take the magic for granted?

No matter how many times it happens each year, I still rush to my balcony for every launch. After the earth-shaking sounds subside and the flame of ingenuity disappears behind the clouds, I’m left to reflect on what’s been lost.  I sit for a moment and think of the words of many girlfriends. One said,  “My husband walks up to me and puts his hand on my nipple and stands there grinning.  I want to laugh and ask what he thinks he’s doing, but I try not to hurt his feelings.” Then she makes a goofy face, takes a wide manly stance, deepens her voice and mocks her husband, “Do you like that? Does it make you hot?” We roar laughter.

Gentlemen, there is a step by step sequence.  How did you forget? A hand placed on the breast completely out of context doesn’t start our engines. A casual question like, “Feel like doing it?” is not Marvin Gaye sensuality.  OMG, “How about oral?” is a kick in the crotch. This makes our whole being scream “Abort mission!  Abort mission!”

Please, lovers, let's take it from the true rocket scientists and take our time. Below is only a teeny, tiny segment of the checklist to launch the shuttle and illuminate our hearts, minds and universe with fireworks.

PERFORM OMS PROP TANK REPRESSURIZATION      

VERIFY SRB NOZZLE FLEX BEARING & SRB NOZZLE   

ACTIVATE LCC MONITORING SOFTWARE                           

INITIATE LH2

SLOW FILL TO 5% SENSORS WET                                                               

INITIATE ORBITER MPS CHILLDOWN                    

PERFORM IMU PREFLIGHT CALIBRATION           

LOX SLOW FILL. 

LH2 ENGINE CUT OFF SENSORS WET              

LOX TRANSITION TO FAST FILL COMPLETE.       

NOW IN FAST FILL TO 98%                    

LH2 5% SENSOR WET.  

INITIATE LH2 FAST FILL TO 98%

ACTIVATION COMPLETE     

PERFORM MILA ANTENNA ALIGNMENT              

PERFORM LH2 ET ULLAGE PRESSURE TRANSDUCER     

NUMBER 4 VERIFICATION                  

LH2 98% SENSOR IS WET.  INITIATE TOPPINTO 100%. 

ET BIPOD HEATERS ARE ACTIVATED  

            (Skip ahead 20 more pages)

                   

T-00M6.6S    MAIN ENGINE 3 START COMMAND                 

T-00M6.48S   MAIN ENGINE 2 START COMMAND                 

T-00M6.36S   MAIN ENGINE 1 START COMMAND                 

T-00M00S     T-ZERO  SRB IGNITION                        

SRB HOLDDOWN RELEASE COMMAND

LIFTOFF

We have liftoff! Whew! I hope that was as good for you as it was for me. Don’t we all want to have a sexier Valentine’s Day and beyond? Let’s make an effort for both partners to dedicate ourselves to each phase of this important mission!  Otherwise, when your giant hand randomly reaches for a squeeze, our defenses flare and our minds shout, “Danger! Danger! Alien approaching!”

Wouldn’t you’d rather us both smiling and humming, “Let’s get it on!”  Ahhh, Baby!